NSFW: At Night She Cries, While He Rides His Steed by Ross Patterson

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Let’s just get back to me being rich and f***ing awesome.  You’re welcome.

How do I write this review and not sound like a complete asshole? I loved the violence. I loved the profanity. I loved the gratuitously gratuitous sex.  I even enjoyed the animal cruelty and child abuse.  As a spoof of every single literary genre and adventure/hero movie plot, this is one of the best pieces of fiction I’ve ever read.  Or maybe I’m just blinded by lust for the protagonist, Saint James Street James.  He is a “man’s man” after all, and I am only a woman.

Born in 1827, SJSJ quickly rose to fame as the world’s most masculine and wealthy MAN.  More importantly, he is the sexiest and most well-endowed dude in the history of all mankind.  Let’s put it this way:  If you cashed out Donald Trump’s bank account in a single stack of 1$ bills, it wouldn’t even match the towering height of SJSJ’s flacid penis.  But after living 186 years (you can do that shit when you’re rich enough), he has seen it all.  From the whorehouses and lawlessness of the Wild West to Opium Dens of the Orient, there’s nothing in the world this man has not seen, banged or dominated with his sexual prowess and bravery.

If you’re thinking this guy sounds familiar, then you’re absolutely right.  You have definitely seen Saint James Street James before.  Either in your dreams or in between your legs, you’ve been penetrated by this man.  I must warn you, though. There are many SJSJ impersonators out there, some of which include: John Wayne, Chuck Norris, Johnny Cash, Hugh Hefner, Jackie Chan, E.L. James, John F. Kennedy, and Lil Wayne.  I could go on….

Basically, you just need to remember that literally everything on Earth has been affected by SJSJ in some way, and you should respect that shit.  But then again, if you’ve never eaten Bald Eagle meat before, then you probably can’t relate to the power and influence of such a man.

Ok so maybe I made some of that up, but that’s the kind of shit you’re going to get with this book.  The characters are over-the-top crude, vulgar, and inappropriate.  It even includes graphic illustrations that you wouldn’t want to be caught reading within 50 feet of any school, church or YMCA.  But it’s also the most laugh-out-loud, hyperbolic “romance” novel I’ve ever read.  If you have a cynical and perverted sense of humor, this book is for you!  If you’re a basic bitch then you should go back to reading the new Dr Seuss book in your snuggie.  Just kidding.  I’m actually pretty excited about that new Dr. Seuss book.  And I love my snuggie.

Anyway, in a world where Feminism meets Christian Grey, Ross Patterson has absolutely nailed it (pun intended) when it comes to showing how much we need comedy and hyperbole in a conversation that’s gotten very stuffy and claustrophobic as of late.  A lot of people will definitely be offended by this “romance novel for dudes,” but its unapologetic comedic genius cannot be overlooked.

If At Night She Cries, While He Rides His Steed sounds like a book for you, then I encourage you to watch Ross Patterson’s hilarious (and equally inappropriate) film FDR: American Badass.  His forthcoming film, Helen Keller vs Nightwolves, will be released in 2015.


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★★★★★
At Night She Cries, While He Rides His Steed
By Ross Patterson
Regan Arts
2015
Hardcover
272 Pages
ISBN 9781941393499
$24.95

About Karli Cude

Karli Cude, previous moderator of Hooked Bookworm, is an avid reader and former bookseller. She graduated from the University of Tennessee with a B.A. in English Literature in 2010 and completed a Master’s degree in Library and Information Sciences in 2013.